I almost did it. I almost did the one thing I said I would never do. It was close, but I refused to do it.
I'm not just 'Mom.'
I'm a women.
I'm a wife.
I'm a writer.
I'm a photographer.
I have (what some people call) a sick sense of humor.
I'm a bookworm.
And I'm me. I'm not just Mom.
I refuse to lost my identity and just be Mom. Yes, I'm also a mom, but that word alone doesn't define who I am. I am so many more things.
I don't have to wear 'mom' jeans. Or turtlenecks. I'm allowed to wear skinny jeans if I so choose. I'm allowed to show a little cleavage. Hell, I'm just as sexy as those non-moms out there! Why should I conform to being the stereotypical mom.
I'm not saying I'm going to walk out in public with a midriff and Daisy Dukes. But come on, I'm not dead either.
I love writing my blogs! It feels so good to put words to my feelings and put those feelings out into the world. Words are powerful. When I'm having a rough day, writing helps me work through it.
Photography has become a huge part of me the past two years. I can get lost behind a lens and all my surroundings just fade away. It blows my mind how I can take a photo, edit it, and create a lasting memory for my family. I pick up my camera every day to let my creative juices flow.
I laugh at completely inappropriate things.
I read a hundred books a year on average. I love my Kindle! It goes almost everywhere with me. I soak up knowledge because I never wan to stop learning. It would be a tragedy for me to not learn something new.
I was a wife long before I was a mom. Andrew means the world to me. He grounds me, encourages me, and loves me, even with all my quirks.
Yes, I'm more than just a 'mom'. I refuse to only be defined by the four little people I gave life. I'm so much more. I love being a mom, but I'm not going to fall into the trap and only be defined in one way. It's not fair to me.
So I will be true to myself and be me, not just mom.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Time is Fleeting
As of late, I've become a bit nostalgic.
Maybe it's because I've slowly been giving away baby clothes that I've had for years (and used for three baby boys). Maybe because Cassidy is turning 1 in two weeks, and I know she's my last. No more pregnancies and babies for me. Whether or not you believe me, trust me. If I was going to have another one, I'd be pregnant already. And no, I'm not. Maybe it's because Jackson is maturing so much from attending school and knowing he'll be six this year, more than a whole hand.
Ttime keeps on going whether or not I'm ready for it. Some days I wish I could stop time to savor the moment. Other days, 5 minutes seems like 2 hours. Time never stops. It just keeps on truckin'.
All my babies are growing up. Regardless if I'm ready for them too or not. One day the snuggles will be gone. The sweet sound of 'Mommy' and 'Mama' will be replaced with a frustrated and annoyed 'Ma' or 'Mom.' The sweet smell of baby will turn into the putrid smell of boy BO (yea, I'm not looking forward to that!). Hormones will come into play. Growth spurts will shoot them up taller than me. And one day, they'll figure out how old I actually am. Mom won't be cool. I'll have no one to dance crazy with me in the living room. I'll miss the random hugs, kisses and 'I love you Mom!'
Until then, I need to sit back and enjoy the ride. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. It's hard work, and most days I question my sanity when making the choice to give them life. But, those glorious moments where they hug you and say,"I love you, Mom" make it worth all the effort.
So I'm capturing those small, fleeting moments of childhood in pictures. Not the big cheesy smile pictures, but real life moments. The playing with dirt in the backyard. The Lego trucks and guys. The sweet pictures of my children asleep and still. The random play moments. The companionship of one another. The bound of brotherhood. The overprotective, big brother moments with their sister (yes, it's already started!). I want those moments. I want to be able to look back (and have my kids look back) and remember those sweet moments of childhood which is the reason I pick up my camera everyday.
I can't stop time. I can't keep them from growing up. But, what I can do is capture a moment and memory that I (and my kids) will forever cherish. So here a few moments that always make me smile.
Maybe it's because I've slowly been giving away baby clothes that I've had for years (and used for three baby boys). Maybe because Cassidy is turning 1 in two weeks, and I know she's my last. No more pregnancies and babies for me. Whether or not you believe me, trust me. If I was going to have another one, I'd be pregnant already. And no, I'm not. Maybe it's because Jackson is maturing so much from attending school and knowing he'll be six this year, more than a whole hand.
Ttime keeps on going whether or not I'm ready for it. Some days I wish I could stop time to savor the moment. Other days, 5 minutes seems like 2 hours. Time never stops. It just keeps on truckin'.
All my babies are growing up. Regardless if I'm ready for them too or not. One day the snuggles will be gone. The sweet sound of 'Mommy' and 'Mama' will be replaced with a frustrated and annoyed 'Ma' or 'Mom.' The sweet smell of baby will turn into the putrid smell of boy BO (yea, I'm not looking forward to that!). Hormones will come into play. Growth spurts will shoot them up taller than me. And one day, they'll figure out how old I actually am. Mom won't be cool. I'll have no one to dance crazy with me in the living room. I'll miss the random hugs, kisses and 'I love you Mom!'
Until then, I need to sit back and enjoy the ride. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. It's hard work, and most days I question my sanity when making the choice to give them life. But, those glorious moments where they hug you and say,"I love you, Mom" make it worth all the effort.
So I'm capturing those small, fleeting moments of childhood in pictures. Not the big cheesy smile pictures, but real life moments. The playing with dirt in the backyard. The Lego trucks and guys. The sweet pictures of my children asleep and still. The random play moments. The companionship of one another. The bound of brotherhood. The overprotective, big brother moments with their sister (yes, it's already started!). I want those moments. I want to be able to look back (and have my kids look back) and remember those sweet moments of childhood which is the reason I pick up my camera everyday.
I can't stop time. I can't keep them from growing up. But, what I can do is capture a moment and memory that I (and my kids) will forever cherish. So here a few moments that always make me smile.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Ashes to Ashes
It's Ash Wednesday.
Cassidy and I just came back from getting our ashes at church. While we were at the Liturgy of the Word, our church's preschool came so all the kids could receive ashes. It was cute. Most of the kids had no idea what was going on, but that's kids.
It reminded me of attending St. Peter's Catholic School, going to mass every year, and receiving ashes. My classmates and I used to compare whose ashes were blacker, bigger, stayed on longer, etc. You get the idea. Our theory was the bigger and blacker the ashes, the more sin you had. I think we had this theory because our teachers were the ones giving out the ashes. Who knows if it was actually true, but it was fun to compare. We were kids, but every Ash Wednesday, I remember this. This small moment in time when I was a kid. It's a good memory.
Unfortunately while at church today, something completely inappropriate happened. There was a gathering of parents hanging right next to the alter waiting, phones ready, to capture their child receiving ashes. It was inappropriate. These parents were right next to the adult ministers giving out ashes, standing right behind them to capture a picture with their phone. There were a few parents hanging on the outskirts (end of the pews) snapping off pictures, but isn't that a bit too much. It's not like their kids are getting baptized or their another sacrament. It's just ashes! It's not even a Holy Day of Obligation.
I'm not one to normally judge someone for taking pictures of their kids. Hell, I haul my camera almost everywhere I go to capture memories and moments of my kids. But, I also know when enough is enough and to up the camera away. And I know how to live in the moment and realize not everything needs to be capture on film. Sometimes it's better to experience the moment and live in it than to have a camera strapped to your face all the time.
Anyway, today is the start of the Lenten season. As for me, I've decided not to give up anything this year. Instead, I've decided to make a big effort to just be happy. Happy I have a healthy family. Happy I have a house over my head and food in my stomach. Happy I have a kind, loving, and supportive husband. Just to be happy, even on those days when the kids don't listen, I am sleep deprived, and I would rather just crawl up with a good book in a corner alone. I'm going to be happy because even though life might have bad moments, my life is pretty damn good.
Cassidy and I just came back from getting our ashes at church. While we were at the Liturgy of the Word, our church's preschool came so all the kids could receive ashes. It was cute. Most of the kids had no idea what was going on, but that's kids.
It reminded me of attending St. Peter's Catholic School, going to mass every year, and receiving ashes. My classmates and I used to compare whose ashes were blacker, bigger, stayed on longer, etc. You get the idea. Our theory was the bigger and blacker the ashes, the more sin you had. I think we had this theory because our teachers were the ones giving out the ashes. Who knows if it was actually true, but it was fun to compare. We were kids, but every Ash Wednesday, I remember this. This small moment in time when I was a kid. It's a good memory.
Unfortunately while at church today, something completely inappropriate happened. There was a gathering of parents hanging right next to the alter waiting, phones ready, to capture their child receiving ashes. It was inappropriate. These parents were right next to the adult ministers giving out ashes, standing right behind them to capture a picture with their phone. There were a few parents hanging on the outskirts (end of the pews) snapping off pictures, but isn't that a bit too much. It's not like their kids are getting baptized or their another sacrament. It's just ashes! It's not even a Holy Day of Obligation.
I'm not one to normally judge someone for taking pictures of their kids. Hell, I haul my camera almost everywhere I go to capture memories and moments of my kids. But, I also know when enough is enough and to up the camera away. And I know how to live in the moment and realize not everything needs to be capture on film. Sometimes it's better to experience the moment and live in it than to have a camera strapped to your face all the time.
Anyway, today is the start of the Lenten season. As for me, I've decided not to give up anything this year. Instead, I've decided to make a big effort to just be happy. Happy I have a healthy family. Happy I have a house over my head and food in my stomach. Happy I have a kind, loving, and supportive husband. Just to be happy, even on those days when the kids don't listen, I am sleep deprived, and I would rather just crawl up with a good book in a corner alone. I'm going to be happy because even though life might have bad moments, my life is pretty damn good.
 |
| Cassidy with her ashes |
Friday, February 13, 2015
Why I am not a V-Day person
Don't get me wrong. I won't turn down receiving a gorgeous display of flowers or a beautifully written card. Besides that, I really do not like Valentine's Day.
I honestly feel sorry for all the men in the world on this day. Too many women expect some over the top romantic gesture like candlelight dinners, carriage rides, roses scattered across the floor, or even proposals. The men totally get gypped every February 14. They are expected to plan, plan, plan and the woman practically do nothing. Honestly, it's just not fair.
This fantasy is perpetuated from childhood. Think back to all the Valentine's Day parties as kids. Everyone is expected to get cards or candy. Kids make over the top 'collecting boxes.' Or as it is most of the time, parents make the over the top collecting boxes for their kids. They have big parties at school. Granted it is cute, but when is enough, enough? Where do you draw the line on making February 14 special? Hell, I was stressed out trying to get my kids' Valentine's cards done on time for their class parties. And all I did was buy a set from Target and put it together.
For me, I'd much rather go all out on my wedding anniversary or my birthday. These days mean so much more to me. The day I took Andrew as my husband is the most important and amazing day of my life. I do love my kids, and all of their birthdays are special to me. However, without that amazing man I proudly call my husband, I wouldn't have my kids. That is why my anniversary is so special to me. My wedding was fantastic! It was an amazing party. My dad actually did a split on the dance floor, and I have the picture to prove it! It can't get much better than that!
So yeah, Valentine's Day isn't a big deal to me. I'll be with my family doing what we normally do on Saturdays. We'll sleep in (as much as our kids allow us to), I'll make breakfast, the kids will watch cartoons and sports, and we'll go outside and play with them. No biggie. And if I receive some flowers, I will definitely be thankful and grateful. I just don't expect or care for 'the most romantic gesture ever.'
Call me cynical or old, but whatever. I'm not some teeny bopper or young 20 year old wanting the fancy dinner, flowers, roses, chocolates, cards, and 'the most memorable night ever!' It's just not me. And it's really never been me. Give me something fancy on my anniversary and birthday, and I'll be hunky dory. And by fancy, I mean dinner out away from the kids. But, I'll pass on the crazy circus of Valentine's Day.
I honestly feel sorry for all the men in the world on this day. Too many women expect some over the top romantic gesture like candlelight dinners, carriage rides, roses scattered across the floor, or even proposals. The men totally get gypped every February 14. They are expected to plan, plan, plan and the woman practically do nothing. Honestly, it's just not fair.
This fantasy is perpetuated from childhood. Think back to all the Valentine's Day parties as kids. Everyone is expected to get cards or candy. Kids make over the top 'collecting boxes.' Or as it is most of the time, parents make the over the top collecting boxes for their kids. They have big parties at school. Granted it is cute, but when is enough, enough? Where do you draw the line on making February 14 special? Hell, I was stressed out trying to get my kids' Valentine's cards done on time for their class parties. And all I did was buy a set from Target and put it together.
For me, I'd much rather go all out on my wedding anniversary or my birthday. These days mean so much more to me. The day I took Andrew as my husband is the most important and amazing day of my life. I do love my kids, and all of their birthdays are special to me. However, without that amazing man I proudly call my husband, I wouldn't have my kids. That is why my anniversary is so special to me. My wedding was fantastic! It was an amazing party. My dad actually did a split on the dance floor, and I have the picture to prove it! It can't get much better than that!
So yeah, Valentine's Day isn't a big deal to me. I'll be with my family doing what we normally do on Saturdays. We'll sleep in (as much as our kids allow us to), I'll make breakfast, the kids will watch cartoons and sports, and we'll go outside and play with them. No biggie. And if I receive some flowers, I will definitely be thankful and grateful. I just don't expect or care for 'the most romantic gesture ever.'
Call me cynical or old, but whatever. I'm not some teeny bopper or young 20 year old wanting the fancy dinner, flowers, roses, chocolates, cards, and 'the most memorable night ever!' It's just not me. And it's really never been me. Give me something fancy on my anniversary and birthday, and I'll be hunky dory. And by fancy, I mean dinner out away from the kids. But, I'll pass on the crazy circus of Valentine's Day.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
10 on 10
A few of my fellow photographer friends decided to do a 10 on 10 project yesterday. It's ten photos depicting your daily life on the 10th of the month. It's similar to a Day in the Life, but a little more condensed. My 10 on 10 for February 10, 2015.
 |
| Breakfast at the bar. Doesn't everyone eat cereal from a plate? |
 |
| Playing at the park |
 |
| Nap time. Otherwise known as the only time I get partially to myself since Cullen doesn't nap anymore. |
 |
| Waking up after nap time. |
 |
| Am I the only one who makes my kid get out and open the garage door for me? It builds character! |
 |
| Laundry: the never ending chore. |
 |
| Enjoying nice afternoon weather after school. |
 |
| A fight over the remote control for my camera. |
 |
| Wrestling: a common evening activity in our house. |
 |
| Reading homework right before bed time. |
Friday, February 6, 2015
...and then I cried.
To say I've been a wreck lately is an understatement. I haven't had just a bad day, bad week, or bad month. This year has started epically wrong in so many ways.
I keep expecting things to turn around. It can only go up from here, right? Yeah... no. Every time I've put on the happy, smiley face thinking it comes in threes, something else happens after the third.
I've been sick or something going on a month. It's gone from sounding like a chain smoker, to hacking up nasty stuff, to not being able to breath and hacking up nasty stuff. Now, I'm coughing and hacking up nasty stuff. I'm ready to strangle my kids for many and various reasons. I think they had a little pow wow (unbeknownst to me) at the beginning of the year and decided to do everything in their power to piss me off. Guess what, it's working. My lack of sleep from someone having nightmares, growing pains, and teething just keeps on coming.
I've reached my limit.
I've hit my proverbial wall.
I'm an emotional wreck. My kids are probably wondering why mom has gone off the deep end. And the truth of the matter is I don't know what to do.
So guess what, I cried.
I'm not perfect. I don't have the perfect house. And God knows, my kids are not perfect. And it doesn't help I see that 'perfect' kid on Facebook all the time.
You know what I'm talking about. 'Look everyone, Billy did x, y, and z. He's so great. We're so proud of him.' Or 'Annie did so and so. She won so and so award. We have the best kids ever!' Now, I get being proud of your kids. I do. What I don't get is the picture people portray of their perfect life and how wonderful everything is all the freakin' time! Why don't these people just shit out rainbows and sunshine while singing Kumbaya! It's not helping me! Nobody's life is perfect, and nobody's kids are perfect. Life is hard and will throw you curve balls. It's hard!
Right now, my life is not easy. I'm using this as an outlet to vent about all the crazy shit that has been happening lately. And seeing people's perfection just makes me want to punch something.
I'm taking a step back and going to focus on the good and positive. My kids are still alive! I get an A+! My house is kinda, sorta clean. I giving myself an A for effort! I'm in pretty good shape for a mom of 4. I get an A! My husband has stuck around through all my crazy. He deserves Sainthood for that monumental task!
In order to celebrate my new take on life (and hopefully get rid of this bad juju I got going on), I'm posting a self portrait I took. Yep, here I am in all my glory! I wasn't feeling particularly happy this day, but it's nice to release some of that tension through art. Good juju, find me! And I'm quickly posting this before I lose my nerve and delete these pictures.
I keep expecting things to turn around. It can only go up from here, right? Yeah... no. Every time I've put on the happy, smiley face thinking it comes in threes, something else happens after the third.
I've been sick or something going on a month. It's gone from sounding like a chain smoker, to hacking up nasty stuff, to not being able to breath and hacking up nasty stuff. Now, I'm coughing and hacking up nasty stuff. I'm ready to strangle my kids for many and various reasons. I think they had a little pow wow (unbeknownst to me) at the beginning of the year and decided to do everything in their power to piss me off. Guess what, it's working. My lack of sleep from someone having nightmares, growing pains, and teething just keeps on coming.
I've reached my limit.
I've hit my proverbial wall.
I'm an emotional wreck. My kids are probably wondering why mom has gone off the deep end. And the truth of the matter is I don't know what to do.
So guess what, I cried.
I'm not perfect. I don't have the perfect house. And God knows, my kids are not perfect. And it doesn't help I see that 'perfect' kid on Facebook all the time.
You know what I'm talking about. 'Look everyone, Billy did x, y, and z. He's so great. We're so proud of him.' Or 'Annie did so and so. She won so and so award. We have the best kids ever!' Now, I get being proud of your kids. I do. What I don't get is the picture people portray of their perfect life and how wonderful everything is all the freakin' time! Why don't these people just shit out rainbows and sunshine while singing Kumbaya! It's not helping me! Nobody's life is perfect, and nobody's kids are perfect. Life is hard and will throw you curve balls. It's hard!
Right now, my life is not easy. I'm using this as an outlet to vent about all the crazy shit that has been happening lately. And seeing people's perfection just makes me want to punch something.
I'm taking a step back and going to focus on the good and positive. My kids are still alive! I get an A+! My house is kinda, sorta clean. I giving myself an A for effort! I'm in pretty good shape for a mom of 4. I get an A! My husband has stuck around through all my crazy. He deserves Sainthood for that monumental task!
In order to celebrate my new take on life (and hopefully get rid of this bad juju I got going on), I'm posting a self portrait I took. Yep, here I am in all my glory! I wasn't feeling particularly happy this day, but it's nice to release some of that tension through art. Good juju, find me! And I'm quickly posting this before I lose my nerve and delete these pictures.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)