Confession: I never wanted a big family

Truth:  I never wanted a big family.  At all.

As my final pregnancy comes to an end, I've been thinking a lot about my family lately.  I've also been thinking about how my sense and definition of family has changed a lot over the years.

When I was 20 years old, I wasn't even sure I wanted kids.  In fact, I was really leaning towards the 'no way in hell do I want kids' concept.  I knew I wanted to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.  But the whole kids thing, I wasn't feeling it.  Even the thought of being around little ones didn't sit well with me.

A few years later, I met Andrew.  He and I knew from the start of dating this was it.  I can't nail down a specific event or date, but just this overwhelming feeling of this is right.  I was coming around to the concept of kids.  We had discussed it.  I remember making to very clear to Andrew early on saying, "I only want a maximum of 2 and don't expect me to stay home.  I want to work."  Andrew, being the sweet and loving man he is, just said okay.  We married at 24 and life went on.

Fast forward a few years later, Andrew and I decide to start a family.  I have my first son, and my entire world changes.  I can't imagine putting my little guy in daycare (which had already been lined up and his spot reserved).  The thought of having someone else look after his needs and spending more time with him during the day than I would, did not sit well with me.  I just couldn't wrap my head around someone else raising my child.  I'm the mom.  I grew him inside me for 9 months.  I pushed the little sucker out.  I should be the one around him and raising him.

Needless to say, this epiphany I had floored me.  I was not expecting it at all.  I never thought I would be the stay at home mom type.  I was the work your butt off, have drive and ambition for my career type of woman.  Wasn't I?  It never once dawned on me I would want to put aside my three college degrees I worked my ass off for to raise a kid.  Yes, I have two Masters, and I wanted to stay at home raising a child.  What is wrong with me?  Why would I do that?  Don't I deserve to benefit off of all the hard work I put in over the years?  Shouldn't I be okay with the thought of my kid in daycare?

My point is I wasn't okay with it.  I wasn't even keen on the thought of dropping my child off with someone else why I went back to work.  Once I was hit with this realization, I honestly didn't know how to deal with my feelings.  I felt lost, overwhelmed, saddened, happy, depressed, and elated all at the same time.  I felt like I was on the freakin' merry go 'round of emotions.  Nothing made sense and I questioned all my previous decisions because if I could change my mind so quickly about wanting to stay at home, what else did I decide wrong?

After wrestling with these emotions and still not understanding any of it, I had a very long, deep discussion with Andrew about all of it.  I think he was as much in shock about everything as I was.  I blindsided him.  He never saw this one coming and admitted to it.  After our conversation and looking at finances, we decided it was feasible for me to stay at home and raise our child.

And I have been every since.

When my first son was 8 months olds, I found out I was pregnant with my second.  Surprise!  Andrew and I had planned to have another, but we weren't anticipating them to be so close.  God apparently had other plans.

I had two boys I was raising at home.  Things were a little hectic to say the least, but I was managing.

A year after my second son was born, I started thinking about expanding our family with a third child.  I'm not sure what it was, but I couldn't get rid of this feeling Andrew and I were supposed to have a third child.  Call it divine intervention or gut instinct.  Whatever it was, I couldn't shake it.  I finally broached the subject with Andrew one afternoon.  Surprisingly, he was thinking and feeling the same.  It's a little scary how tuned in to one another we are at times.

Our third son was born almost exactly 2 years after our second.

I was now staying at home raising three boys.  Life was crazy, fun, more crazy, and happy.

How did we decide on a fourth child?  I got another crazy feeling about expanding our growing family.  I loved the idea of having a big family.  My three boys were great, but I just knew I wanted one more.  I also knew from the get go this would be it.  No more expanding after the fourth.  A girl soon to be arriving will be the conclusion of our big family.

The children I thought I never wanted a measly decade ago I love and cherish today.  The small family I thought would be ideal is now a big family of almost four kids.

I guess what I've been trying to say this entire time is I did not know what I wanted when I was younger.  I had this idea in my mind about working and having a small family that blew up in my face as soon as I realized I didn't want it anymore.  I changed my mind about a lot of life changing things, and that's okay.  I'm okay with that now.  It did take me awhile to accept the idea.  What I thought I wanted when I was 20 is not what I ended up wanting at all.

I get a lot of fulfillment raising my kids and watching them grow.  I'm working on side projects to help me continue to grow as an individual, but my family comes first.  My large, ridiculously loud family is everything I wanted, and I never knew I wanted it until I opened myself up to the idea.  And it's a great idea for me.

Limiting myself to the ideas of a 20 year old mind would have been stupid.  I continue to grow every year and change with what life brings me.  I'm happy I opened myself up to the idea of a large family.  It's something I will never regret.